Wolf's Den
by Phoenixian
Summary: You can't deny what you are. Remus accepts a very personal, high risk assignment. Alone among his own kind for the first time, he will find allies and enemies, come to terms with himself, and maybe gain a little perspective.
1. Mission

He watched the figure of the young man melt back into the surrounding trees, silent as a ghost, and he wondered about the risk that this boy was taking for a group of people that meant very little, if anything to him. Was his life so bad that even death was worth the slim chance that the man who had made him what he was, who had taken all semblance of a normal human life from him might be stopped? Would Remus himself not have done the same thing if the roles were reversed?

He waited there until he could be sure the boy had reached a safe distance, glancing down at his old watch every few seconds, then turned and headed in the opposite direction, away from the wolf den that he knew existed somewhere in the nearby network of caves and small hills that hid themselves in the thick forest, deep enough that no one might stumble upon them by accident, deep enough that if someone were to come to it accidentally that no one would hear them scream. It had taken the order months to find this place, months of searching and magic. When it had all started he had had his best friend, he had just begun to put his life back together. And now? It seemed as though everything had fallen into place just in time for the pieces to be scattered once more.

At a seemingly safe distance he stopped again. His already tattered cloak and boots were now caked in mud and his hair fell in his face, damp and heavy from the rain. He listened and the silence around him was almost more unnerving to him then any sound might be. There were no birds, no animals at all. The leaves did not rustle in the faint breeze that moved them and the raindrops fell silently, their sound deadened by the canopy above. It was an unnatural silence, literally magical, a haunted stillness. He chose to move several more yards before disappearing with a pop, hoping there was no one nearby to hear the sound or guess what it might mean.

The air was dry in London for a change. He caught his bearings as he appeared in the park across from Grimmauld place and glanced up and down the street carefully out of habit. It wasn't until number 12 had revealed itself to him and he had slid past the heavy door that he remembered he hadn't been there since the night of Sirius' death when the order had been forced to clear out in a panicked rush, afraid that Bellatrix Lestrange might be showing up on the stoop at any moment. He almost wished she had. He would have welcomed another chance to put her in the ground. After all, he had watched his friend fall through the curtain at her hand, and had then spent a day sitting next to Tonks' bed at St. Mungo's, waiting for her to wake up, with nowhere else to go and nowhere to call home.

Newly reinstated as the headquarters of the order of the Phoenix thanks to Harry and Sirius' well enchanted will the place had regained much of it's original state of neglect, that which Mrs. Weasley had spent much of the previous summer and fall battling. Dust coated everything once more and it seemed to him that the eerie darkness that had hung over the place for as long as he had been there had somehow multiplied, eating away slowly at the occupants... or maybe it was just the knowledge that Sirius wasn't waiting for him in the kitchen below, that he would never haunt this place or any other again.

It took several long moments for him to gather the strength it took to tread slowly across the hall and down the stone steps to the kitchen, not sparing a single glance at the heavy curtains at the end of the hall behind which he was certain Mrs. Black still hung.

Nearly every member that Remus knew of were already gathered in the kitchen and yet silence fell nonetheless as he appeared at the bottom of the stairs, still damp and mud stained. A dozen faces questioned him. Dumbledore stood from his own place at the end, watching as Remus slid into the seat that Sirius had once had a habit of occupying, trying to fill the void in himself where his friend had recently reclaimed his place.

"So?" Moody demanded, oblivious to the mood, "I take it it went well, otherwise you wouldn't be here?"

You could always count on Mad Eye to get things rolling. Remus forced a neutral expression and nodded. "It's done. I met with the boy-"

"Do you trust him?"

Remus considered. "He seemed honest enough, but I guess I won't know for sure until i'm in. If they let me live then I'll have to assume I can trust him."

"I wouldn't go that far" Moody muttered.

"That's reassuring, thank you" Remus replied, not able to help the sarcasm that leaked into his voice.

"Just watch yourself boy. You can never let your guard down-"

"When will you go?" Dumbledore asked softly, cutting through the beginning of Moody's lecture, his long thin fingers clasping together against the dull wood of the table.

Remus sighed, shifting in his chair, uneasy with so many eyes upon him, for familiar as they all were it seemed a very personal thing that they were discussing. One word could get him or any of the others killed, as they had learned with Peter so long ago. Counting someone as a friend means very little once they have betrayed you.

"The full moon is next week. I'll meet the boy the next morning and he will say that we ran into each other in the night. I have the scars to prove what I am so if anyone asks they'll have their proof. This will also give me the maximum amount of time to understand how their society works before the next moon when I will actually be with them."

He couldn't help but notice the sneer that slid across Snape's face as he spoke, and he turned away so he wouldn't have to look at him. Dumbledore was nodding, a troubled expression on his lined face.

"It's a difficult task that I ask of you Remus. Unfortunately you are the only one able to undertake this particular... assignment."

"I'm ready-made" Remus muttered under his breath as Dumbledore stood again, looking down at his incomprehensible watch. "I really must be going now but I'll be back on thursday I should think." He sighed. "We'll talk more then Remus" he said. Lupin stood and they shook hands before the old man swept from the kitchen. The other order members followed him out and Remus had just taken a step towards the stairs himself when a hand on his arm stopped him.

He was surprised to see her there and even more shocked by her appearance, the reason for which he had hardly noticed her when he had come in. Her usual brightly colored hair was mousy brown and hung limply to her shoulders, her eyes were a normal hazel color and her clothes were gray and lifeless beneath her robes.

"Remus, you're going to get yourself killed" she said softly without greeting. This was the last thing he was expecting.

"Well I certainly appreciate the vote of confidence he managed finally, earning a blush on Tonks' part.

"Not that you aren't capable. But Remus, they're-... She broke off, forcing back the color that continued to rise in her cheeks.

"Monsters?" he asked lightly, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, but they really are, I'm sorry Remus. What Fenrir and his pack have done, it's just not...safe."

He gave a pained smile, considering her concern. "You don't have to tell me what Greyback has done" he said. "I experience it with every full moon." She looked away uneasily, "You're right of course..." he added.

"So don't do it Remus. You're just starting to put your life back together after everything you've been through and now Dumbledore is asking you to throw it all away. It's not right. It's not worth it."

"But isn't it?" he asked, crossing his arms. Tonks opened her mouth to respond but he cut her off. "If it was the other way around are you really telling me that you wouldn't make the exact same choice? That you wouldn't risk everything to help the order, or the aurors? Do I sense some hypocrisy here?" he goaded gently.

She was scowling now, which meant he had hit a nerve. "There are other things you can do for the order...other ways..." she said uncertainly.

"That's what I thought" he said, detecting a note of smugness in his own voice.

Her blush had returned, seemingly unnoticed. He sighed and took a step towards her to lay a hand on her shoulder. "I'm the only one who can do this Tonks, and it has to be done. It's not about experience or wanting a dangerous mission. There is no choice, I'm the order's only chance here."

"I know."

She was staring down at her feet like a scolded child so he continued. "What the werewolves have done, and what having some of them on our side could do... It's important...and what happened between us Dora-..."

He broke off, letting it hang in the air between them. If she noticed his use of her name she didn't mention it. "I know" she said again, but this time she met his gaze as though to prove something, to him or to herself he couldn't be sure.

"It can't happen again. You know that I can't give you the things that you want and that you deserve-"

She stepped back sharply and his hand fell limply to his side. Her eyes were flashing now. "I'm not asking you for anything!" she snapped. "You've made yourself perfectly clear on the matter with your excuses!"

"That's not what this is Tonks" he said.

She snorted, and he knew there was nothing he could say to make her understand, at least nothing that he hadn't already tried.

"I'm sorry" he offered, trying to ease her temper. He braced himself for whatever she was going to throw at him, but she said nothing, fists clenched at her sides, embarrassment and sadness on her young face and it did truly hurt him that he was the cause after how hard he had fought not to be, only to finally give in to his weakness. Now hurting her had become the only way. They had made a mistake and if she refused to listen to reason then it was up to him to remedy it no matter the cost.

"I never wanted you to think-"

The sound of the others returning to the kitchen broke through to him and a moment later they poured back into the room with Moody bringing up the rear, talking seriously and taking no notice of the lingering tension. Lupin looked around once more but Tonks had already turned away and was seemingly deep in conversation with Emmeline and Hestia. He wondered when he would see her again. He thought of Harry, returned to Hogwarts for his sixth year, of Sirius, joined with James and Lily in death and of the werewolves and the commitment he had made to live among his own kind for the first time in his life.


	2. Wolf's den

He hadn't known exactly what to expect, though he had been having nightmares for a week about a mad group of vampires cooking children in a stew pot. He had a habit of waking up just as he realized that the victim was Harry, or Ginny or one of the others. One night it had even been a young Sirius and he had woken up screaming only to remember that his friend was already dead.

Now however he was about to come face to face with the reality of living with his own kind and he knew it would be nothing like these dreams or any other expectations he might have had. As he drew nearer to the clearing where the werewolf clan made camp, hot on Matey's heels the silence was suddenly and unexpectedly broken by the sound of children's voices calling to each other. Remus stopped there, wondering what it could mean when two small boys came crashing through the trees towards them. They called out to Matey as they passed and seconds later it was as though they had never been there at all.

Bright light blinded him as he stepped from the trees into the bright daylight that lit the open compound that led to several openings in the side of a large hill that could just pass for caves, surrounded as they were by boulders and stone. Men and women sat around small fires next to old and tattered tents or small wooden structures that he guessed would pass as their houses. Groups of teenagers laughed and chatted, and older men sat silently, watching the others solemnly, avoided by all.

Some were eating, though it seemed that the meat they had had never met the flame, but was chewed on raw along with what appeared to be stale brown bread. Children chased each other wildly among the makeshift village, seemingly unattended to by any sort of parent or guardian. It seemed there were people everywhere and the one thing he could see that they all had in common was that each one of them reminded him of himself. These people were not the heathen monsters who attacked innocent children in order to create an army for the dark lord. These were the innocent victims of these creatures, they were the outcasts of society, unwanted, misunderstood, lost, and they had taken all that pain and grief and they had turned it into a home here, among their own kind.

No one spared him a second glance as he followed his young informant through the trodden paths of the werewolf encampment. It seemed that they were used to new faces. More children chased each other in circles around them until Matey shooed them away and he noticed four young boys separated from the others, talking in suspicioualy low voices, reminding himself strongly of his own early days, though unlike them he had been lucky enough and supported enough to go to school.

"Remus." Matey nudged him and gestured to a small unattended fire and the worn logs that passed for benches. A young girl appeared, offering them their shares of what was clearly a community meal, but when he thanked her she blushed to the roots of her hair, turned on her heel and took off.

He glanced up, watching Matey tear into the meat with his teeth, and quickly followed suit.

It was rather good really. Remus was accustomed to eating cooked meat of the kind that was made in any respectable english kitchen, but he was a werewolf after all and his tastes would always lean towards the raw side, no matter how used to human habits that he might be. The blood seeping down his throat was a relief and he found he was better able to relax, even as other people around Matey's age began to collect around them, eyeing him once before turning to their friend. His presence was easy enough to explain, and so they quickly lost interest in him altogether. Eventually he stood, and unsure whether or not it was wise to wander off on his own so early, he decided to take the risk.

He found himself walking aimlessly through the settlement, getting the lay of the land per say as he took in the life that he might have led had his parents not dared to keep him, had Dumbledore not been powerful enough to gain him admission to Hogwarts, had James and Sirius and Peter not made a place for him in their very human world. It was quickly becoming clear to that this assignment would prove more difficult than he had expected. These people were living under a leader who used suffering and death to get the things that he wanted, who would not and had not hesitated to destroy an innocent child, and surely held the lives of his own clan in his own hands for his own pleasure. And here Remus was, with connections to some of the most powerful wizards and witches alive, with the means and motivation to understand and save them from their dictator and yet that was not what he was here to do. He knew now that the order had no intention of helping them, for there were things that were far more important in the grand scheme of things than the lives of a few uneducated, dangerous werewolves who had made their home in seclusion to escape the prejudice and prosecution of civilization.

"You look deep in thought" a cynical voice said behind him and he found that his feet had brought him back to Matey and his group of friends, but it was not the young man who spoke but rather a woman, or girl really, who had just come out of the trees nearby leading a group of youngsters, and was watching him with an odd expression. She had overgrown dark hair and wide, sunken eyes. Like the others she was too thin but she stood confidently and looked him in the eye. She was dressed in ragged jeans, with a tshirt that might have fit her back when she had regular meals, and heavy boots that he was sure served her well. He doubted that she could be much older than Harry and the others.

She kept watching him as though expecting an answer, and when he said nothing she shrugged and dropped onto the ground where she grabbed an abandoned loaf of bread and began to tear large chunks from it and shove them in her mouth. He wondered how she did it without choking herself.

"Are you going to sit?" She had noticed him watching her, and glared up at him suspiciously, so he lowered himself onto a vacant seat a few feet away from her. She held the bread out to him but he shook his head.

"No, I'm fine, thank you."

"You're new" she said with a shrug, in a tone that suggested he had something to learn, which he undoubtedly did, though he had no idea what it might be by their brief exchange.

"And you're observant" he replied with mild sarcasm, earning a crooked half smile.

"You'll learn to eat whenever you can" she informed him. He nodded.

"So what's your name?" she asked with mild interest, and he got the impression that he was some sort of entertainment for her, not that he minded, the more people he got to know the better he would understand how the colony functioned.

"John."

She gazed at him seriously for a few moments, taking the time to chew her bread for what he was sure was the first time, then swallowed and put what was left of her meal to the side.

"Fine" she said. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to because I'm certainly not going to tell you mine."

Remus blinked. "I'm not lying."

"Ok, John" She said, drawing out his name, "How'd you find this place."

"I hear things. Came around here last night and ran into Matey. So what is your name?" he asked her.

"Like I said, none of your business, but you can call me E.J."

They watched as an eagle flew low overhead.

"Ok, E.J, how long have you been here?"

She snorted. "None of your business."

"Seems that nothing is any of my business.

She smiled one of her crooked smiles again. "You catch on quick." She looked away thoughtfully for a moment, then turned back to face him fully, curiously.

"So you just picked this forest cause you thought our place might be here somewhere and you decided to hang out here for the full moon."

It was his turn to shrug. "Yes, that's about what happened" he said carefully, wondering if his cover was so weak that a child could see right through it. He felt relieved when she nodded but it didn't last long.

"I think you're full of shit, John" she said, again emphasizing his name. He forced his expression and tone to remain neutral. "How so?"

Her eyes narrowed. "I don't know, but I'll find out" she said, "Challenge accepted. But I suggest you and Matey work on your story a little before you tell it to Greyback or any of his men."

Remus did his best to repress his shudder at the mention of Greyback, but she caught it anyway.

"Don't worry" she said, "You'll get over it. You'll always want to rip his head off" she said, rather cheerfully, as though they were talking about the weather. "But you'll get used to the idea that the monster who ruined your life also now had complete control over you. You wanted to find this place, and somehow you did, but you should be more careful what you wish for. And yes" she added, "Greyback bit me too." It was the first piece of information she had volunteered about herself and it took him aback how easily she admitted it and how calmly she said his name.

"Don't worry" she said, seeing the look on his face, "I can give you a few pointers if you really are who you say you are, or whatever" she said, waving aside the fact that she didn't believe the name he had given her. "But if you're one of Greybacks spies..." she let it hang loose. Remus imagined it wasn't exactly a bright idea to threaten one of the bosses' men, but it was clear in her voice that she at the very least wouldn't lie down and take what was handed to her. She stared at him with those dark eyes until he had to look away, unsure whether he should protest the accusation or not, but when he looked back at her her face had softened and she seemed to have made up her mind about him.

"I could use some tips" he said rather sheepishly and she nodded seriously, making him wonder if she considered him a lost cause. He squared his shoulders and returned her nod, ready to be taught how to survive by someone who was about half his age.

A sudden hush fell over those gathered nearby and E.J stood, remembering him at the last moment and nudging him to his feet. All heads had turned towards the mouth of the cave and Remus felt hot anger pulse through him as he followed their line of sight to find Fenrir Greyback standing there, surrounded by his minions and grinning happily out over their heads.

He felt a hand on his arm and looked down to find that E.J was furiously trying to stop him from drawing his wand which he had reached for unconsciously. She shook her head sharply rising onto her toes to whisper in his ear. "Welcome to the Wolf's den" she said.


	3. The eyes have it

"You're smart not to give your real name..." she told him, and he no longer bothered to argue. "You give your real name, they can find your family, and no matter how much your family might suck, you do not want them to do that, you understand?"

"Who are they?"

She glanced around secretively despite their location. They had made themselves as comfortable as possible in the branches of a tall tree that he had had quite a bit of difficulty climbing, yet E.J had insisted so that they could not be overheard. Still, she was hardly giving him much of anything. "You'll find out" she informed him finally. "But first, muggle or wizard?"

"Wizard."

"You have a wand?"

"Yes."

She closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath. "I know. Let's try that again. Do you, John, have a wand?" she repeated.

"No?" he tried again. "But Greyback does."

She shrugged. "Do you really think that matters? It's about power, and if there is someone here with the ability to stand up to him, take you for example, with education and magic, then that person is not going to last long, now shall we continue?"

He nodded.

"Did you attend a school where you were taught how to perform magic?"

"No?"

"And were you born to a magical family?"

"No?"

She shrugged. "You can say yes to that. We have about half and half here, except none of our kind ever got any formal education so were all basically squibs, and so are you now. Tell the truth as far as you can so that it's easier to remember. Other than that stick to the same old story."

She waited, but when he opened his mouth to ask, she sighed and cut him off.

"Wizarding family, promising future, bitten young, never ended up going to school. Your family hid you away until you ran off. You've been moving around a lot ever since trying to find your own kind..." she paused, looking him over. "You've obviously lived with people for a long time, so if anyone asks, and they will, you tried to make a go of it working in a shop or something, I don't care, just figure it out and stick to your story. They won't respect you for it, but it's all you can do looking the way you do." He didn't ask what she meant, although while he had always been the shabbiest in the wizarding world he had noticed that many of the men and boys in the camp didn't wear shirts or shoes at all. He swallowed.

"Share as little information about yourself as possible and don't ask anyone else personal questions. That's how it works. This life is all that anyone here has and most have them prefer to forget that there's anything else or that they were ever something else. Following me so far?"

"I think so..."

She glared at him.

"Yes. I got it." He paused uncertainly. "But why exactly are you helping me?"

E.J rolled her eyes as if it was a stupid question. "For the same reason Matey is I suppose. I don't know what exactly you're doing here, John, but what I do know is that you aren't here to live the rest of your days secluded from civilization, living on deer and rabbits and the occasional human. You had to have come here for a reason, because you certainly don't belong here, but you have the need and the means to change things, to achieve whatever goal you plan on achieving and to make it back home, preferably alive, but you have to understand that whatever it is you're looking for here is going to be more difficult than you would have expected. It isn't just Greyback and his men that you're up against, and there isn't just an army of children and old people standing between you and him."

"Death eaters" he said flatly. She nodded. "You've done your homework" she said, "Or someone's done it for you. Either way you're obviously close to this." she added thoughtfully. She was beginning to freak him out with her uncomfortably accurate guesses about him.

"How do you know I have a home, or friends, or people who do my homework for me?" he asked her.

E.J chuckled softly. "Everyone thinks they're so mysterious" she said, shaking her head, "But you read like a book John" she told him. He considered this for a moment, raising an eyebrow.

"Ok" she said, "I look at people and I can tell you if they are desperate and alone or happy and in love. There's nothing to it really. It's just in the eyes, you see. If their eyes are empty then they have nothing, and no one, to lose. They don't care whether they live or die. That's how most people come to us, young or old, everyone has given up on them and they have given up on life. This place becomes their last resort. Their eyes are dead, they might as well be, and the truth is that it's easier that way, having nothing to lose in a place like this, cause then they can't hurt you, and they can't touch you, all they can do is kill you, but then they'd be giving you the peace you'd been searching for your whole life, so they don't do that anymore."

It was horribly sad, and yet she spoke as though these were simply the facts of life, and in her life he supposed that they were.

"And my eyes?"

She smiled sadly. "You have people who love you John, people who need you, people that you love right back, yet for some reason you've decided to leave what everyone here would kill for to come to this miserable place."

"I can't tell you why I'm here E.J" he said.

"I bloody well don't expect you to" she told him, surprised. "What I'm saying is that it's dangerous, caring about people out there I mean, you aren't just risking your life, you're risking the lives of everyone you know and care about, because if they can find them then they'll turn you into one of us for sure..." she trailed off with a sigh.

"They've tried" he said softly, "And they're trying now, and they won't stop trying until someone loses, but that won't be me this time. I won't let it happen again E.J, I won't lose again" he said furiously. He had to steady himself as he nearly lost his balance, forgetting where they were.

"And that's why you're here" she said, nodding as though she understood completely, and from the look he saw in her eyes he wondered if maybe she did.


End file.
